The would-be hussy of online dating

The writer in me wouldn't handle online dating well...
but if there's money on the line, I would learn to adapt.

A good friend of mine recently found herself single after being out of the dating world for quite some time, and like many modern women, she decided to give the online dating realm a try. Being the avid pursuer of knowledge that I am, I have been EXTREMELY checked in to the happenings in her online dating life.

While I do not intend to be single anytime in the future (love you long time, Hubbs!!), I am learning a lot about my would-be online dating persona...and apparently I'm the hussy of online dating.

Why? Well, it's all about the money, money, money. As you read that last line, did you sing it a-la Jessie J.? I totally did when I typed it. I took some creative liberties with the lyric, but that's just how I roll. Feel free to re-read for full effect. I'll wait...

Aaannnnndddd back to the point, you see, unless you want to pick your future partner from a selection of people who are ONLY looking for hook-ups, you apparently need to join a paid online dating site like match, eharmony, etc...and you pay by the month.

Um...what?!? My mom is a crazy frugal lady (wash out plastic sandwich baggies frugal), and I have adopted a lot of her money sense. So, you better believe I'd be maximizing my online dating investment. Because of the dollar factor, I have encouraged my friend to break some cardinal online dating rules (that she's ascertained from more avid online daters). For example:

1) When a boy winks at you on match.com, the appropriate response is to wink back and wait for him to initiate email communication. My online dating persona says...forget that business. Time is a-ticking which means money is a-wasting. Ditch the wink and initiate some communication already. DOWNFALL: Apparently this means you're a eager beaver which gets you dubbed 1) easy AND/OR 2) ugly. Sweet. Now I'm the ugly hussy of online dating.

2) When a boy sends you email communication, you respond, but not too soon and don't include too much info. Again, you want to avoid getting pegged as an eager beaver, and you want to pique their interest but still have some cards to play in future email correspondence. My online dating persona says...get on with the show already. We all know those profile pics are photoshoped, taken in pristine lighting, or actually of your brother. I NEED TO SEE IF YOU'RE REAL AND FAST. Here's my phone number. Call me and let's do coffee tomorrow...time is a-ticking.

3) Never suggest coffee. Oops. I've been told coffee is a really awkward date since it takes about 15 minutes to drink and then what do you do. My online dating persona says...coffee is crazy non-committal and will occur in a public place where I won't get shanked. Plus, if I hate you after 15 minutes of coffee drinking, I can leave when my cup is empty. It's not like I've gotta hold out for dessert. HUGE BONUS...in addition to not getting shanked, of course! It's called efficiency people...and without much effort, I can probably schedule a couple coffee dates in a single day.

4) Don't schedule dates back-to-back. Oh, so you're saying I shouldn't do a happy hour and appetizer date with one guy, followed by dinner with another suitor, and dessert with still another. My online dating persona says...this is totally acceptable. Why do you think progressive dinners are so popular? You get to sample a whole lot of food AND several male companions. If you like the dessert man but the appetizer food, you've essentially killed two birds with one stone. Hey dessert man, let's try this restaurant for a full-on date...they have amazing appetizers.

5) It's the dude's job to propose follow-up dates. Let him take the lead. My online dating persona says...I'm not great with giving up control. It's probably best any potential life partner learn this early on. If he goes, "Well, the food was good, but I'm not crazy about the company," no skin off my back...I'm just glad I didn't waste any extra time courting a tool. Plus, there are about 1,000 other men on match.com. Surely one of them will appreciate a woman who makes decisions based on time and money and isn't a fan of wasting either.

6) Early on you can send "Dear John" messages to a 6 pursuer cause you're holding out for a 10. My online dating persona says...I totally get this logic. Weed out all the 10 through 8s first and then move down a rung. It's like a man buffet. Start with the good stuff when you've got lots of room in your tummy....you don't want to fill up on only sub-par cuisine. However, a 6 can buy my dinner as easily as a 10...my frugal online dating person has gotta figure out a way to make up the subscription fees somehow...hello no grocery bill. And, sometimes a 6 will surprise you.

So there you have it. My online dating person is shallow, motivated pretty much exclusively by money, and considered an unattractive hussy.

I am incredibly  lucky the Hubbs found me before I had to try my hand at online dating. Best of luck to my friend...she's a far better rule follower, so I don't anticipate her facing the challenges I hypothetically would.

Anyone else spend entirely too much time considering how they'd hypothetically handle online dating? Tell me about it via comments so I won't feel as horrible about myself. :)