Who is this person?!?

Who is this person?!?

My gym membership is limited and only allows me to go in on Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and I woke up today – a non-gym day – and I WANT to work out.

WHAT!?! This is so NOT like me.

When I was a kid, my parents had to force me to go outside and play, and my version of "playing outside" was to sit on the porch reading a book while my brother rode his bike or threw his football around.

All through grade school, junior high and high school, Phys Ed class was my LEAST favorite point of the week. When we did fitness tests, I knew I had to complete my mile run/walk in at least 15 minutes, and I would cross the finish line at 14:59. My philosophy: Least amount of physical effort required. It's just PE and exercise is LAME-SAUCE. Plus, I don't think PE went toward or against your GPA…

Now, as an adult, I still have a recurring dream that I'm back in high school, have essentially skipped Phys Ed for an entire semester and am in jeopardy of not graduating because I'm failing Phys Ed. (I also have a similar dream where Phys Ed is replaced with Advanced Math…childhood trauma really sticks with a person).

But to be honest, this failing Phys Ed dream isn't too far off from reality. I was a Freshman and had missed the two weeks of school (hospital stay due to Mono) and was still recovering, so I had to sit out of Phys Ed class for a solid month.

The policy was if you missed a class you had to write a report on a sport of your choosing. Now, a normal person would use the time they were sitting out of PE class to write said reports, but I put it off. You technically had until the end of the semester to turn in all your reports so I used my downtime on the gymnasium bleachers to work on homework that had stricter deadlines.

Fast forward to a few weeks left in the semester. I was shopping at the local Pamida with my mom (a former high school teacher who was still very acquainted with the high school staff), when the Phys Ed teacher walked up and shared that I was getting a D in Phys Ed and needed to turn in my SIX OUTSTANDING REPORTS or else.

Pretty sure my mom chewed my butt the entire 15 mile car ride home while I complained about it not being fair because I couldn't help that I had Mono. But fair or not, I spent the rest of my weekend writing Phys Ed reports, and I passed Phys Ed with a more respectable B.

However, that NEAR fail didn't change my ideas on the whole PE front. While the teachers rambled on about fitness, blah, blah, lifetime of activity, blah, blah, healthy, blah … I was thinking: Phys Ed is dumb … I hate getting sweaty in the middle of the school day … Public showers suck … If lifetime fitness is so important, why are all my Phys Ed teachers a little heavy? … Shoot. I can't remember my locker combination. What if I have to wear my smelly, nasty PE clothes ALL DAY LONG?!?

However, in the last 5 years, I've gone from my lightest adult weight to my heaviest adult weight, and maybe an occasional game of capture the flag or prison ball WOULD'VE made all the difference in the world.

So here's to you Mr. Swivel, Swivel, Jump (J. High PE teacher who taught us the Macarena) … sorry I judged you when you when you wore your tight, red polyester shorts. Your confidence (or complete lack of fashion sense) made them look good.

Get fit...or hypothetically die first in a horror film

Last Wednesday, I was introduced to the world of BODYPUMP. Today, my quads are finally starting to feel pain free. I can even almost go up and down the stairs without wincing.

Yep, nearly 5 days after the original workout and I'm still sore. Possible reasons:
1) It was a really intense workout...
2) I am the MOST out-of-shape person who doesn't also have a TLC show about being 600 pounds...
3) A combination of options 1 and 2.

So, when a personal trainer from my gym called up a few days ago and offered some free training starting next Wednesday, I took him up on the offer...and not just because I could use my personal training time slot as a reason to skip BODYPUMP this week. But I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge that skipping class was a factor, just not the only factor.

When I show up on Wednesday, he wants to take my measurements: height (short), weight (too much for my height), and body fat composition (Your clampy measuring things might be too small, but we can give it a go.). He also wants to discuss my fitness goals, so I started making a list...

1) Continue to participate in BODYPUMP classes and not have to convert everything in my home to be handicap accessible. I really could've used one of those grab bars by the toilet and I was pricing out elevators. Stairs post BODYPUMP are evil, and I'm now acutely aware of how many there are in our home. The Hubbs (who also got his butt kicked in BODYPUMP) and I were nearly ready to resort to rock-paper-scissors to determine which unlucky soul would have to go downstairs to put our dogs in their crate and let them out.  

I wish I could've thought of some witty explanation
for what I was doing while everyone else held the plank.

2) Be able to stay in a plank position for more than .05 seconds. Seriously, the rest of the class held that bad boy for a solid 30 seconds...I, on the other hand, took a rest on the mat and tried to figure out why my mouth tasted like pennies and when my sturdy legs had been swapped with Gumby's.

3) Balance. If you've been reading my blog, you saw here that coordination isn't one of my strengths...balance is also not one of those strengths. I kind of performed every other lunge during my class. On the lunges I missed, I was teetering perilously on one foot praying I wouldn't fall (curse you Gumby legs). Stretching wasn't much better...why don't fitness classes teach you how to stretch your quads while sitting? I feel like this would be a safer option for me.

4) Drop some serious poundage. I've had a desk job for five years and in those five years I've gone from my lightest adult weight to my heaviest (curse you desk job). As added motivation, I'm going on a cruise with my BFF soon and she's skinnier than me. I would prefer not to look like a beached whale in our pictures...unless of course I'm trying to imitate a beached whale.

5) Drop some inches and clothing sizes. My skinny closet is far cuter than my not-so-skinny closet. I would very much like to go shopping in my skinny closet. The Hubbs and the poketbook would also prefer this option over buying new clothes at the mall.

6) Be fit enough to complete a 5K. I would like to know with some certainly that I wouldn't be the first person to die in a horror film. The ability to run for a solid 30 minutes would greatly increase my survival odds.

Anything else I should add to my personal training list? I say bon voyage and set sail in less than a month, so hold me accountable dear readers...just remind me to go to the gym or be the girl destined to be the first goner in a slasher film FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Scary, right?